


All Along

by Vedis



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Character Death, Drinking, Heartbreak, M/M, Pining, Post-Fire Emblem Fates: Revelation, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-24 05:20:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30067275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vedis/pseuds/Vedis
Summary: Niles has served Leo loyally for years, he has protected him from everything, he's there when Takumi breaks Leo's heart – but Leo will never know that Niles has always loved him.
Relationships: Lazward | Laslow/Luna | Selena, Leon | Leo/Takumi, Leon | Leo/Zero | Niles
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	1. The War is Over But This Pain Will Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everyone was celebrating. Cheering. Screaming. Crying. Laughing. Running around and hugging each other. _Kissing_. And Leo was kissing Takumi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Thanks for checking out my newest story!  
> Enjoy!

Everyone was celebrating. Cheering. Screaming. Crying. Laughing. Running around and hugging each other. _Kissing_. And Leo was kissing Takumi. He had hugged Odin and Niles first, of course, which was actually kind of awkward because normally he was scolding them about personal space. But now he was kissing Takumi. The war was over. Niles should be glad. He should be whooping and throwing things into the air and kissing people because they were _alive_! Alive. But he wasn't. He didn't have it in him. All he could do was stand and watch Leo kiss Takumi and imagine it was _him_ Leo was kissing. He was overly aware of the grime and sweat coating his entire body, as well as the bodies of the entire army. His hair was damp and clung to his face in a way which he found suddenly unpleasant. He wanted to go home. Back to Krakenburg and his bed where he could lay down, and get dirt all over the sheets, and pull the covers over his head, and never come out of again. _They've been kissing for awhile now. They're going to need to break for air soon, right? This isn't normal, right? Right?_

That evening everyone was happy. For the first time in a long time. Niles was sitting next to Odin as he told exaggerated tales of the war, which all his listeners had been there for and _knew_ were exaggerated. Niles got the strange feeling that he was going to miss Odin. Which was ridiculous because both of them would be working for Leo for the rest of their lives. But Niles had always had the feeling that Odin wasn't staying. That Odin was too bright and full of life for this world. When they'd first met Niles had been serving Leo for almost three years, and Garon had just appointed Odin retainer to Leo. Leo and Niles hadn't liked Odin. Leo had actually sent him on impossible missions in hopes that he would die trying. It hadn't worked. That was why Niles had started digging into Odin's past. He had figured that if he had to work with him he might as well know something, or everything, about him. That hadn't worked either. Odin had no past. Absolutely no past. That's why Niles wouldn't be surprised to learn that Odin was from another world. He wouldn't be surprised if Odin just disappeared one day, either. What _would_ surprise him would be if Odin told him first.

The entire camp stayed up later than they should've considering that they had all nearly worked themselves winning a war against a freaking _dragon god_. They needed rest. It was about two in the morning when Niles and Odin, who were pretty drunk by that point, made their way to Leo's tent to see if he needed their services removing his armor. There were strange noises coming from his tent when they arrived.  
“Is that Prince Takumi?” Odin asked, sounding surprised. “What's he doing in there at this hour?” Niles rolled his eyes. _Am I seriously going to have to explain this to Odin? Gods, how does someone get that stupid?_  
“Yes, we should leave.”  
“But what if he needs help with his armor?” Odin asked, incredulous that Niles would suggest shirking their duties. Niles scoffed.  
“Pretty sure Prince Takumi took care of that already,” Niles said, not jealous in the slightest. Odin's face turned bright red.  
“Oh.”  
“Come on,” said Niles. “Let's go.” They did.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” Odin asked as they walked away from Leo's tent. He blushed again as Niles grinned mercilessly at him. “Not like _that_!” he clarified.  
“How _else_ would you sleep with someone?” Niles asked, intentionally stepping a bit too close and putting his hand on Odin's chest. If anyone had objections to his behavior he would blame it on the alcohol. He would tell everyone that he had just been to drunk to avoid teasing Odin.  
“I just don't want to be by myself. We only have so much time left together.” The seriousness and sincerity of Odin's tone wiped the taunting expression right off Niles's face. He let his hand fall off Odin's chest and back to his own side.  
“Oh, okay. Sure, yeah,” Niles agreed.  
“Thanks,” said Odin. He almost never answered in just one word. Niles resisted the urge to put his arms around his fellow retainer's neck and purr 'My pleasure' into his ear. There were times to torment your friends and there were times to be a friend to your friends. Unfortunately this was one of the latter.  
“It's nothing,” Niles said. “It wouldn't really make sense for us to use two tents when neither of us is with anyone, anyway.” It actually really _would_ as both tents had been set up for several days already but that was beside the point. Niles was being Odin's friend. And maybe, just possibly, Odin was being Niles's friend, too. Maybe he knew how Niles felt about Leo. Maybe he knew what had been going through Niles's head when he saw Leo kiss Takumi because it had been going through his when Selena kissed Laslow. Maybe.

Niles sighed as he lay in the dark of his tent a few feet away from Odin. He thought about Leo and Takumi. _The war is over but this pain will last._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make my day!  
> Thanks for reading!


	2. What You Left Us With

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "“What would you do if I said that this was the last time you would ever see me?” Odin asked gravely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here's chp 2!  
> Enjoy!

All around him there was joy and celebration. The room was full of people eating and drinking and dancing and drinking some more. Niles held back a sigh as he watched Leo dancing with Takumi. He couldn't help but notice the sharp contrast between Leo's graceful movements and the way Takumi awkwardly shuffled and then jolted about in his arms.   
“Greetings Niles my brother-in-arms and shadowy accomplice! How has Fate treated you on this fine evening?” called a voice from behind him. Niles had been wondering where Odin had gotten off to.  
“Fine. You?” said Niles.   
“I am better than fine yet these anvils of dread and darkness pound unmercifully from within me!”   
“What's wrong?” Niles was still watching Leo but he could spare enough attention to this pointless conversation that Odin wouldn't know he was pining for Leo. Odin was quiet for a rare moment before pulling up a chair and seating himself beside Niles.   
“What would you do if I said that this was the last time you would ever see me?” Odin asked gravely. Niles looked surprised, and then turned to give him an appraising look.   
“I'd say goodbye.” And he threw his arms around his partner of the past seven years. Odin was too surprised to do anything at first. Niles didn't really do displays of emotion and, though he'd gotten up in Odin's personal space to fluster him more than once, he'd definitely never hugged him before. But it didn't take Odin long to hug him back.

Niles pulled himself away and looked at him from arm's length. Odin's heart pounded and he wished he could say that he'd never leave. He watched with Niles as Leo danced with Takumi. Niles didn't need to tell Odin that he was in love with Leo. Odin had known it was Leo and Niles all along.

The next morning Niles walked alone to Leo's tent to report for the day. He stood and waited silently for Leo to acknowledge him like he did every morning, except that today Odin wasn't standing beside him jumping up and down in excitement and whispering loudly into his ear.  
“Good morning Niles, Odin. You're awfully quiet today,” Leo said without looking up from his book.  
“Milord,” Niles said. The seriousness of his tone making Leo look up.  
“Where's Odin?”  
“He's gone, milord.”  
“What? But he was fine yesterday! What happened?” Leo asked, setting his book down with a thump. Niles wondered if Leo would get so worked up if _he_ disappeared.  
“He left, milord.”  
“Oh,” said Leo, sitting back down sadly. He sighed. “I knew this was coming, I just, I didn't know it would be so soon.”  
“Milord, do you know _where_ he went?”  
“Yes. Home,” Leo said picking his book back up and paging through to find his place. Niles nodded. This conversation was over. Possibly forever. All he could do was hope that Leo decided to enlighten him later, pestering never got him anywhere with Leo. Leo looked back up, suddenly remembering him.  
“Go see if you can be of use to Xander or something.”  
“Yes, milord.” Niles bowed his head quickly to Leo, even though he wasn't looking, and left the tent. Niles walked dejectedly. Odin had been stupid, and irritating, and loud, and annoying, and his best friend. He kicked angrily at the grass. If he could never see Odin again then the grass could never not get kicked again. If he had to be miserable so would everyone else. It seemed fair. Niles sighed. As much as he wanted to stand here kicking at the grass for the rest of his life he knew he couldn't. There was work to do. By noon the entire camp was packed up and it was time to go. It was funny to think that he would never see this place again. It would be perpetually trapped in his mind as the place where they won the war, and the place where Leo kissed Takumi for a time which felt much longer than x, and the last place he had ever seen Odin. He looked around at the broken world around him as he thought back to the broken world they were returning to. _This is what you left us with._ It was broken, and messy, and corrupted. It wasn't a nice place anymore, if it ever had been to begin with. Niles couldn't bring himlelf to be angry with Odin; all he could do was miss him. He hoped that whatever world Odin was returning to was a better, less broken one than this. Niles turned to look at Valla one last time before turning away forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!  
> Thanks for reading!


	3. There's Nothing You Can Do to Make It Go Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "“Milord?” asked Niles uncertainly. Leo groaned in response. “Is something the matter, milord? Are you unwell?”   
> “I'm fine,” Leo said even though that obviously wasn't true."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! I'm still here!  
> Here's chp 3 of _Why Can't People In Stories Ever Just Have One Conersation That Would Fix Everything?_  
>  Enjoy!

But in the end Niles dies, every time. He's been having dreams lately. Dreams where he ends up in Leo's arms and everything is warm and soft, until it's not. Because suddenly Leo is gone and he's falling, falling, falling, into a dark pit with no end where even the air is sharp and cold. Then he's sitting up straight. Shaking himself and saying out loud over and over that it was just a dream. They've gotten more frequent, dreams like that, but at least they've left less room for the nightmares of his past. Niles took a deep breath and got out of bed. _How nice would it be if Leo really was here?_ It wasn't a question, it was the voice of his innermost desires chasing him into daylight. He shook himself harder. It wasn't appropriate to think things like that about his liege. _Even if Leo' absolutely wonderful, and gorgeous, and he has the softest skin and the softest hair and – stop. I have to stop, this isn't okay. This is inappropriate even for my standards. The difference in position is too much. Plus, even if that didn't matter, he would never be interested in someone like me. Also he's with Takumi so he isn't exactly available anyway._ He sighed and started getting ready for the day. _Don't think about it, you're just gonna get yourself hurt._

Just like every morning Niles walked down the hall to Leo's room and knocked twice before entering. Normally he'd meet Odin on the way and they'd bicker about something stupid which they'd immediately drop when they reached Leo's door which Niles would knock and Odin would open. It had been like this every day without them ever discussing it. But now Niles had to knock _and_ open the door. Which was fine; Niles could open a door. Normally Leo would already be up and dressed and sitting at his desk working on something which was probably important but seemed boring. He would respond to their greetings and then finish up his paragraph or whatever before giving them their daily tasks. Today Leo was still in bed with the blankets wrapped around him and the pillows over his head.   
“Milord?” asked Niles uncertainly. Leo groaned in response. “Is something the matter, milord? Are you unwell?”   
“I'm fine,” Leo said even though that obviously wasn't true.   
“Would you like me to go to the kitchen and get your breakfast, milord? You have a meeting with Lady Rohesia of Kestal in less than an hour.”   
“I'm not hungry.” Leo seemed to have missed the part about the meeting. Niles hummed in understanding, unsure of what to do. 

But in the end Niles would help Leo, every time.  
“You need to get up, milord, and you need to eat. You're going to get sick if you don't,” Niles said, pulling open the blinds and praying Leo didn't feak out at him. Leo just sat up and stared at him. Niles had never talked to him like that before.  
“Okay,” he said after a pause. As if in a daze he got up and let Niles help him into his armor. Niles didn't ask what was bothering him but it was clear that he knew something was, He moved slowly, touched Leo cautiously, spoke softly, and smiled gently at him.  
“Are you ready to go to breakfast, milord?” Niles asked. He opened the door when Leo nodded to him.  
“Thank you, Niles.”  
“Milord,” Niles's voice stopped Leo in his tracks. “If I may ask, what has affected you so much?” Leo turned back and smiled at his retainer sadly.  
“It's nothing.” Then on second thought he added. “Takumi just ended things with me last night, that's all.”  
“If there's anything I can do –” Niles began. Leo cut him off.  
“There's nothing you can do to make it go away.”  
“Apologies, milord. I didn't mean to pry. Or overstep in any way,” Niles said, bowing his head slightly.  
“No apologies are needed, Niles. You only did your job,” Leo assured him. “There is no overstepping between friends.” With that he left, leaving Niles to ponder his words.

_Friends. Of course we're friends. We've always been friends and we always will._ Niles sighed. He hated being Leo's friend, being the one to force him out of bed in the morning after someone else had broken his heart. Leo had loved Takumi; Leo had trusted Takumi to never hurt him. But Takumi had broken that trust and with it Leo's heart. If Leo trusted Niles to love him, Niles would never leave him. He would stay, like he had for over a decade now. He would talk with Leo, and hold hands with Leo, and kiss Leo, and take care of Leo, and never ever hurt Leo. Because Niles loved Leo, more than Takumi ever had. Takumi could never appreciate Leo like he could. He knew Leo better than anyone. Leo had tried to let Takumi know him, and he had tried to know Takumi. He had tried to be real and vulnerable; Takumi had tried that, too. But it hadn't worked. Their pride had gotten in the way every time. Niles was the only one Leo let himself cry around. To some extent Niles thought Leo knew him, too – but there were things that Niles would never let Leo learn. Like how he felt when they were alone. Niles wondered sometimes if Leo knew the effect that he had on him. And if he did, would he care? Would he tread carefully and watch his words to avoid making Niles want him even more? Maybe, maybe not. To tell the truth Niles didn't really care either way. Leo could do whatever he wanted, he could hurt Niles as much as he wanted – Niles didn't care. Leo could take him, and hurt him, and abandon him and Niles would thank the gods.

But in the end Niles would love Leo, every time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!  
> Thanks for reading!


	4. It Will Always Hurt Like This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "“No, you don't get it, Niles, you've never been in love!” _That you know of, milord._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here's chp 4!  
> Enjoy!

“No, you don't get it, Niles, you've never been in love!” _That you know of, milord._ Leo took a deep shaky breath. He would never normally talk so freely with Niles about his feelings but the alcohol had loosened his lips and now he was saying things that Niles would never forget. Things that Niles would hurt Niles forever but he would always hold on to. As miserable as it would make him he would always cherish this night with his lord. Leo looked back up at him. “It will always hurt like this.” And Niles knew what he meant. Even though Leo and Takumi were from different countries they were both royalty and would end up seeing each other at least a few times a year. Leo would have to watch Takumi living without him, and maybe eventually with someone else. He would have to watch Takumi fall out of love with him from a distance. Just like Niles would have to watch Leo fall in love again from a distance. The distance of guarded words and hidden feelings. Niles knew what it felt like. But he would never tell Leo that.

Leo reached clumsily for the bottle of wine but Niles reached it first. He knew Leo shouldn't have any more to drink that night but Niles refilled his glass anyway. Leo mumbled something that was probably 'Thanks' before downing the glass. Niles filled it again and this time Leo didn't say anything before drinking. _This is how some people deal with their grief. They cry, and drink, and wallow, and carry on until they're eventually forced to get over it and move on. We don't all have that luxury. Some of us have to keep our love a secret. Some of us don't get tp cry, and drink, and bot be fine because no one can know that our hearts our broken._

“I just don't know why he would break up with me. I'm great,” Leo slurred.  
“Of course you are, milord. The greatest,” Niles agreed. Leo would never have any idea how much he meant that.  
“Takumi's just an idiot. Really he's the one missing out,” Leo said, more to the table where his face was laying than to Niles. _Except that you're the one crying on a table and completely wasted, and tomorrow morning you'll be the one puking out your innards._  
“Definitely, milord. He's just made the mistake of his lifetime.” _One that I never would've made if you'd loved me instead._  
“Yeah,” Leo mumbled passionately. And then softly, “Do you think he'll come back?”  
“We can only hope, milord,” Niles lied. Leo would be the only one doing the hoping. Niles had never liked Takumi – Takumi had never been good enough for Leo. Leo deserved more. He deserved more than Takumi, and more than Niles too, for that matter. Which was why Niles chose to keep his feelings to himself. They would only get Leo hurt. Takumi hadn't cared id Leo got hurt. And Takumi wasn't the one pouring Leo yet another glass of wine knowing that he'd be the one bringing Leo water and medicine in bed the next morning.

Niles had wondered why Leo had fallen in love with Takumi. Takumi was rude, and loud-mouthed, and generally problematic. He and Leo had fought all the time even when their relationship was going _well_. Then Niles saw it. Takumi was a wildfire – loud, and unpredictable, and gorgeous. Takumi made Leo feel alive in a way that Niles could. That was why Takumi could kill Leo in a way that Niles could. Takumi was adjetating and prideful while Niles was quiet and respectful. Takumi spoke his mind, and Niles never shared his feelings. Niles was good for Leo, and Takumi was bad for him. Leo loved Takumi, and he would never love Niles.

It didn't mean anything, Leo falling asleep in his arms. Niles doubted his prince would even remember the next morning. He had been pretty drunk, after all. Niles carried Leo to his bed and gently layed him down. He pulled the covers over him and blew out the lamp. He turned and slowly walked away. _It will always hurt like this. Walking away from him yet again. It would be so easy to kiss him, as drunk as he is he'd probably let me, he'd probably like it. It would be so easy to be his rebound guy and to wake up here in his bed tomorrow morning. No one would have anything against me. There would be no way to prove that I wasn't drinking, too. And maybe he would even keep me. He'd feel bad about using me to deal with his grief so he'd let me stay. He wouldn't ever need to know that I'd been using his grief to get to him. I could have him. I could say I loved him. He would even say it back. But he would never mean it. And even though I would always be his he would never be mine._ Niles closed and locked the door behind him. Leo didn't need to be disturbed right now. He walked the long hallway back to his room. It will always hurt like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are more than appreciated!  
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Death Makes You Bold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No one had been supposed to die today."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Here's the last chp of this fic!  
> Now we can all finally be done with this story and move on to better things!  
> Enjoy!

“Niles, Niles wake up! Niles!” Niles hummed softly. His head was on Leo's lap, a place he'd barely dared to dream it would be. _Never imagined Leo screaming my name._ It wasn't pleasant, Leo's sobs and screams and the tears that fell from his face onto Niles. They were warm and salty and Niles didn't mind them. He just wished that Leo wouldn't cry over him. “Don't go,” Leo sobbed. “Stay.”   
“I'm sorry, milord. I can't,” Niles managed through the blood in his throat and his own gasping breaths. No one had been supposed to die today. Leo and Niles had just been travelling to Izumo for a standard meeting. The Nohrian royals had never been more popular with their people. No one had thought Leo's life was in danger. Camilla had laughed at Niles when he'd insisted that he accompany Leo, she'd said he was even more overprotective than she was. No one had expected a group of angry radicals who still wanted independence for Cheve to come out of nowhere and attack.  
“But I need you,” Leo pleaded.   
“Remember when I begged you for death?” Niles asked him through a closed eye.   
“How could I forget?”   
“Well you've finally given it to me.”   
“I'm so sorry, I –” Niles shushed him and placed a bloody finger to the prince's lips. _Death makes you bold._   
“Thank you.” Leo's eyes snapped open and he stared down at Niles in shock but didn't interrupt. Niles opened his eye and smiled softly up at Leo. “You've given me everything, more than I ever dreamed of. You gave me a reason to live, a purpose, you gave my life _meaning_ , infinite meaning. So don't cry, milord. This is the way I've dreamed of dying.” Leo's sobs had quieted but there were still tears running down his face.

Niles thought of all the other ways he could've died. He could've been slaughtered on the streets, or died there of starvation or disease. He could've been hung for his crimes. Or he could've been executed by Leo's hands in Krakenburg that night. He could almost feel Bryhindlir's vines twisting over his body, slowly choking the life out of him, and he could taste the blood, but that was real. He had always dreaded dying alone and forgotten. But Leo was here, and Leo would remember. And that was enough. Even when Leo died and no one remembered it will be enough that Leo had remembered. He will have died protecting Leo, and, even though Leo would never know that he loved him, Leo would be safe, and Leo would live on. Leo would find love, and have a family, and rebuild Nohr, and die peacefully one day. And that was enough. Out of all the ways he could've died there was only one he would've preferred to this: dying beside Leo, with his lord's lips on his saying that he loved him and that he'd miss him. But Leo was here, and Leo was crying for him, and, even though this whole thing was sad, it would be enough

“But I dreamed of us growing old together, Niles. And of running away from Krakenburg just the two of us and going far away from here where nobody knows my name. Just us, all alone in a brand new world. We'd find ancient cities, and explore lost dungeons and temples. We'd fight ghosts and demons but never faceless and we'd never need to see another soul. It would be just the two of us forever until we died under a big oak tree in a field of flowers in each other's arms.” Leo's sobs had become louder again and Niles was crying now.   
“That would've been lovely, milord.” _It would've been_ far _more than enough._ Leo smiled at him through their tears.   
“So I guess I could've had you all along.”   
“You _did_ , milord. You had me. No one else ever did, but _you_ had me.” _Takumi had you but no one else ever had me._ Leo leaned forward and kissed him. Niles kissed him back and everything was tears and blood and sweat and the hint of electricity that they could've had if they had just run away. And all Niles could think was: _I guess this was gonna be how it ended all along._ But he didn't mind. Somehow it was enough. It had all been enough. All the pain and suffering he had been through would have been worth it even just to see Leo for a moment before being executed that fateful night in Krakenburg. All the pain, and the comfort, and the battles, and the war, and the tears, and the heartache, and the love which had turned out not to be so unrequited had all been enough. It was more than Niles had ever dreamed of. When he'd broken into Krakenburg all those years ago all he'd expected to get was a couple gold coins. But it turned out he'd gotten Leo. And really, even if they hadn't known it until right now, they'd had each other all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments keep my world spinning!  
> A big thank you to everyone who stuck with this and especially to those who commented or left kudos!  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
